All the Same
by xxgaaraloverxx
Summary: What would have happened if Edward ended up getting killed...
1. Chapter 1

_**Untitled**_

Bella's hand searched the soapy water, looking for any unwashed dished that might have been hidden beneath the suds. Finding none, she took out the stopper and pulled off the long, yellow gloves she was wearing. She laid them on the counter and turned to observe the kitchen. Everything was spotless, like usual. She could almost see the finished wood of the table sparkle in what little light that managed to peek out from the clouds. _Sparkle…_ Bella shook her head to try to keep from thinking about _him_ again.

Sighing, Bella walked into the living room and glanced quickly at the TV and immediately decided that she wouldn't touch it. The shows and soap operas brought them back to life. They reminded her of her aloneness so she had avoided them like the plague. As if on autopilot, she reached for the front door and grasped the handle. _What are you doing, Swan?_ _Jacob doesn't want to see you anymore. He would answer or call you back when you_ _phoned. He left you alone, too…_ Bella could feel the tears threatening to push out from her eyes and her mind went blank.

When Bella became aware again, she noticed that she had Charlie's dinner prepared, the laundry was folded in a basket by her hips and even though she didn't see it, she knew her homework was done. She hated and loved these blackouts. She didn't feel the pain of loss when she was numb and unaware. Unfortunately, they never lasted long enough to satisfy her. Always the memories would come flooding back and the pieces of her heart would shatter again. She wondered how a person could live with a heart in such a state.

_You can't do this anymore… You don't want to have to do this anymore. Just get rid of the pain. No one will care if you're gone._ Bella always had the same argument with herself, day after day. One part of her argued that killing herself would be beneficial to everyone. Charlie wouldn't have to worry about her or put on the farce around her anymore. The other, the smaller voice inside her, argued that Renee and Charlie would be devastated if they even knew what she was contemplating. It was incredibly difficult to let this voice have her side of the argument, but she always won the battle again and again.

Bella grabbed the basket at her hip and took it with her up the stairs. She took the neatly folded clothes in their respective drawers and sat on the bed. _Why do you even do this, Swan? What's the point?_ She made herself speechless. What was the point of this? Why did she have to go through the daily routines over and over? _Because they need to be done…_ No, that wasn't it. _You need this security…_ Again, that was a terribly pathetic excuse. _Because if it's done it means you're still alive…_ This one definitely hit close to home. She contemplated this thought some more. She looked to the closed drawers of her dresser and a thought popped into her head. She smiled, an extremely sarcastic smile, but a smile nonetheless.

***

Charlie walked into the door and smelt the roast that Bella had left in the oven to keep it warm for their dinner. He sighed inwardly. His daughter had been through hell and back the past six months. That stupid Cullen had left her alone in the wood after he told her that he and his family were leaving. She hadn't been the same since. The way she looked in Sam's arms that night, violently shaking from the cold and damp inside and out, he would never forget that. He nearly had a heart attack that night.

_Thunk._

Charlie jerked his head up. That had come from Bella's room. He raced up the stairs and threw her door open. The sight that greeted him took his breath away. His little girl was sitting amongst all her clothes, scattered all over the floor. The sight that brought tears to his eyes was the smile on her face. It was the first genuine smile he had seen since that night…

"Bella, what happened?" He asked, fighting back tears and laughter at the same time. She looked up at him and just laughed. For a second, the idea that she had finally had a mental breakdown fluttered through his mind, but as soon as he saw the first sob coming on, he knew she was finally coming back to life. He picked her up from the floor and sat on her bed with his daughter in his lap. He stroked Bella's hair and spoke soothing nonsense as she let it all out. At that moment he knew if he ever seen Edward Cullen again in his life, he would grab his shotgun with no second thoughts.

***


	2. Chapter 2

The clock had stopped, Bella was sure of it. She was in her last class of the day and she just wanted to get away. She couldn't stand the looks she got in the lunchroom and classrooms. Her shell was getting thinner and harder to keep up. She received sympathetic looks from Angela, her last remaining friend, and the teachers. It was as if they could see the walls hiding her from the world cracking and crumbling around her. Mostly, she was still overlooked by everyone else. _10…9…8… _Bella tensed and grabbed her books, ready to make a break for the door. _3…2…1… _The bell rang.

Bella tried shoving her way out of the overcrowded room, but ended up getting jabbed in the ribs with a floating elbow. The walk to her locker was possibly the longest three minutes of her life. She spotted the dull grey metal with her number on it and opened it. The metal was cool against her overheated skin. _Like Edward…_ She slightly winced as her mind whispered his name. She tugged her forest-green messenger bag and slammed the locker shut, reluctantly letting the handle go. _He doesn't want you, Swan… _Bella reached her truck, shaking from her depressing thought and from the violent wind whipping around her. Just as she stretched her arm to reach for the handle, a patch of ice came from nowhere and she fell on the paved, blacktop parking lot.

_Fuck…_ From the sideways glances, Bella figured she muttered the explicative pretty loudly. _Great… now they probably think I've really lost my head… _Bella's fingers sought her finely rusted truck bed and pulled herself up. She brushed the debris off her clothes from her fall and promptly fell again, her head only inches from hitting the truck. She leaned back, sitting there for a moment. _Only you could fall trying to get up from one…_ Bella's eyes opened when someone blocked the light coming from behind the pale grey clouds. Angela was standing there, looking slightly worried, but trying to hold back a laugh as well.

"Having fun down there, Bella?" she asked. Bella's eyes widened as she heard herself reply. "Oh yeah, it's a party." Angela gasped in delighted surprise, not expecting Bella to do anything but stare back at her. She held out her gloved hand, after making sure there was no ice under her own feet. Even as she reached for her friend's hand, she knew there was no going back. She heard the walls fall completely, leaving her feeling vulnerable and weak. "Thank you," Bella said softly. Angela just looked at her and smiled. Suddenly, she grabbed Bella and pulled her into a hug.

"It's going to be ok, Bella," Angela whispered into her ear. For a minute, Bella just stood awkwardly, unused to physical contact, but eventually gave in and hugged her back. She didn't even know she was crying until she felt the wet spot below her cheek, on Angela's wool coat.

"Yeah…" Bella whispered back. A car sped by them, and even though they saw it coming, they barely flinched as they both landed on the pavement. Angela just sat there, staring blankly at Bella with her mouth partly opened. A little bit of mud had landed on her cheek and in her hair. Bella stared back. She heard a croaking laugh and was shocked to find it was coming from her. Angela slowly joined in and by the time they had stood up, Bella's side was stinging. For the first time in months, Bella gave Angela a genuine smile.

"You need a shower," Bella said softly, still not accustomed to using her voice. Angela looked her up and down, taking in the mud that caked the bottom of Bella's jeans. Mud was also scattered on her skin and hair.

"You probably need one more," Angela stated back. Bella looked down and assessed the damage. She groaned loudly at the offending mud.

"Yeah, you're probably right." Bella's mind was screaming at her now. It had been so long since she had given anyone any kind of reaction and her mind was working double time. It wanted to go back to the blankness and emptiness of the before time. _Well too bad… We're going to get through this, Swan. _Angela was turning to walk away, sensing Bella's inner turmoil.

"Hey, Angela," Bella's voice quivered with the strain of talking above a whisper. The girl turned around. "Would you wanna go see a movie tomorrow night?" Bella startled herself by her boldness, but embraced it. Angela's eyes brightened and she gave Bella a brilliant smile.

"I'd love to Bella," Bella released the breath she hadn't known she was holding. "I'll tell Ben tonight." _This might be a good thing, after all, Bella._ Finally, Bella clambered into the cab of her truck and drove home.

***

Bella had finally finished putting away all the clothes she had thrown all over her room the previous night. Her bed was made as well. It was pretty amazing to go through a day without the black outs. She bent over and reached under her bed, checking for any hidden clothes or dishes, but found none. As she rose to her knees, a board on her floor caught her eye. It was warped and one whole side stuck up. She reached to push it down, but the other end rose upward. On an impulse, Bella stuck her fingers in the space and lifted gently. What she saw stopped her in her tracks.

There it all was. Everything from the Cullens. Pictures of her, Edward and Alice. The cd with her lullaby and even the unopened gift from Carlisle and Esme.

_It will be as if I never existed..._


End file.
